Baby, Birth, Husband, Love, Miracle of Life, Motherhood, NYC

That Moment

Do you believe in love at first sight? That moment when you make contact and the whole world stops. Where a breath is impossible to take – words indescribable in the moment.

I knew I loved you before I met you. I knew we were meant to be before I even knew you existed, and it took only nine minutes to prove my feelings were true. For the second time in my life I was completely, helplessly, madly in love.

Looking at your face I needed to memorize it all in that moment – I didn’t want one detail to slip by. Your nose. Your lips. Your eyes. Your ears – perfection. I needed to touch them each a hundred times and then a hundred times more just to reassure myself that what I saw was real.

Once our eyes met. Big and beautiful, they pulled me in, captured me heart and soul.

Then I saw you in his arms. Stars exploded, worlds collided – there was nothing else in the world that could compare to my two loves. My world was rocked once six years ago, and now it had been jolted again. How did I get so lucky? What had I done to deserve this?

My husband stood before me holding our daughter. It was a moment I had envisioned over and over, imagining how perfect it would be. This man who had enraptured me from day one was standing, smiling, gazing down at this little being, this beautiful little girl we had created. He was perfect. She was perfect. Life, in that moment, was perfect.

My world has been stopped twice and twice I have been completely without air. And words – there aren’t enough to adequately describe these moments. So I just sit silently, letting it overflow my heart and fill up my world.

CP Family

I believe in love at first sight.

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Dating, Moving, NYC, The Four Seasons

The Four Seasons Test

I used to joke with some of my girlfriends that you had to date a guy through all four seasons before even considering marriage. How else are you going to know their different habits in the winter vs the summer, the things you can’t stand or even the things that make you that much more attracted to them? New York City and I have made it through four seasons. We have survived each other and have found numerous likes and dislikes, but I think we just might get along – for a little while at least.

FALL 2013 – Our first couple months were a whirlwind of moving, fun and fall. Living in the Financial District for our first month was entertaining and scary – I don’t think I was able to go home the same way once, it’s so confusing down there! But he did have fun running around the point of the island, experiencing Oyster Fest (our first weekend in New York, way to draw us in!), going to Governor’s Island and more. When the end of October came we were moving into our midtown east apartment, talking jogs through the millions of paths in Central Park and getting a small peek at an East Coast fall (I have since heard the real ‘East Coast Fall’ is really experienced by traveling upstate or up north a bit). As overwhelming as it all was, what with the millions of people everywhere, New York had given us a great introduction and we were quite excited to see what lay ahead.

WINTER 2013-2014 – We were excited about what lay ahead. . . until winter came. At first I was just laughing a bit quietly at others. When the first “storm” came in, the meteorologists predicted a snowfall of three inches. Psh, three inches. Well according to the completely empty shelves at the grocery store and the 1hr check-out line (that’s Not exaggerating!), three inches of snow may have well been the start of the next ice age. Really I was most sad that my backyard of mountains was gone, that skiing would not be available to me within 10minutes when I wanted (how spoiled, I know) – and then came the wind and wet. I have been cold before. I have stood in a full body spandex suit in -27 degree dry temperatures. That pales in comparison to the wet wind that whips through, around, over, under, really any and every direction possible, through the streets of Manhattan. I HATE New York City Winters. In the four seasons test this was truly a potential breaking point. I have let it pass this year because I had to be fair – I had to give New York City the full year to see where our relationship would end up.

SPRING 2014 – Thank God New York Winters are not as long as Utah winters. While I almost went crazy, I can handle (at least I think I can, ask me again at the end of this winter) 3.5months of gray-brown snow and bitter cold (compared to the Utah winter of 6months, which I actually Love!). I cannot begin to express my delight as the snow and cold turned to rain and milder temperatures. Birds began singing (in Central Park that is, I don’t hear birds elsewhere), buds began blooming – the city was coming to life again. I began braving running outside again (my outdoor running threshold completely changed here, I will completely admit I became a pansy and learned to almost like the treadmill). While I was dreading the summer coming (all I heard was how hot and humid it is), I was really thoroughly enjoying this East Coast spring. If I wasn’t going to get my spring skiing, I certainly could enjoy a true spring of flowers and green and things that Utah just sometimes seems to miss.

SUMMER 2014 – The months creeped away and suddenly it was summer time. I would look out the window of my apartment and take a guess at how quickly I would just sweat through all my clothing. . . but then it never really came. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was humid for me, but that’s not saying much. When it is 25% humidity in Utah I feel like i am going to melt whereas in New York City people say, “oh it’s only 65% humidity, it’s really rather dry” – HAHAHA, dry. Funny. But those 95 degree temperatures combined with the 98% humidity never came. I avoided the state completely for the month of August just to avoid this dreaded, ‘East Coast Summer’ but going to the mountains and all I missed was beautiful, perfect weather. And then the beginning of September came. . . if September is all I have to deal with for a New York Summer, I will easily and gladly survive. Yes I felt like melting a couple days, but they were nothing worse than what I would experience visiting my grandfather in Houston, Texas (you want humid, melting death – try a day down there!). Summer, you made me like New York quite a lot – this relationship, while taking awhile, is slowly getting stronger.

FALL 2014 – Here we are a year later. The ‘Four Seasons Test’ is complete – so where does our relationship stand? Well I’m not ready for a breakup yet. New York, while she took awhile, finally introduced me to some amazing new friends, given me mostly good, enjoyable weather, and above all has introduced me to an experience that I will be proud and enjoy sharing no matter where we end up down the road. However, even after a year has passed, I am not ready to say we are in a fully committed relationship, I’m not ready for those, ‘three big words’. I do know that we are in a long term relationship, and while I know it will not be forever for us, I still look forward to seeing how long of a commitment this City pulls me in for and if she will every pull those ‘three big words’ out of my mouth for her.

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9/11 Memorial, NYC, Uncategorized

My JFK Day

As I was about to turn off my radio to head to school the host starts laughing and says; “get this, some idiot ran their plane into the World Trade Center in New York City. Buddy, those are pretty big and hard to miss {chuckling with co-host}. . . . . . . oh wait, we just heard this is quite serious, we will keep you updated as we know more.” The time was 6:55AM in Utah (8:55AM in NYC).

Every T.V. in our cafeteria was on, every student was silent. They were replaying the second tower getting hit over and over. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. The T.V. stayed on in my first period class for about 10min before my math teacher decided there was no reason to watch anymore. We argued then proceeded to ignore everything math related until a science teacher came by to tell us that the Pentagon was just hit and nobody was teaching.

My generation had just encountered it’s JFK day.

Sept 11 Mem

Walking down the stairs I feel a breeze rush past me. “Just get out and run”. Some pillars still stand, adorned with patches and pictures, memories and an unmistakable pain and burden. Videos are on, surrounding you, calling out all the details over and over. You want to move on but you can’t, but there is more so you do. Going deeper the blood starts flowing faster, harder. Whispers, echos, penetrating and yet emanating from everywhere. A quilt with words of encouragement from an elementary school in Colorado lines one wall. Behind, the whispers become louder. Closer, louder. A mother, a brother, a son, a sister. They all have something to say. A memory, a message. Every face, all 2,977 of them smile down on you. You want to smile back, but it hurts so much.

Deeper still, reaching past the heart and into the soul. But there is one corner that seems it should be reserved for Hades. It’s dark, it’s filled with doom. It is the worst thing you have ever witnessed. ‘Turn away, it’s not right to look’, you tell yourself out of respect, but you can’t. They stand outside windows, waving t-shirts of white, searching for a savior that will never come – and so they jump. They fall, they plummet, they know what’s coming. But it’s only their bodies going to meet Hades at Styx, because the moment they took that last step their soul ascended, free from the smoke and pain and fear.

The details are endless. You could go through 100 times and still see something new – and each time will not be easier, but harder. They tell you to give yourself 90minutes to go through. But how can you only give this 90 minutes of your time? It will take days. It will take reading every little detail, it will take telling everyone around you to go see it.

Eventually I will be bringing my own children here. They will probably come home from school one day, asking what I remember about that day. It will strike me how strange it is that they don’t know. How could they not know? Then, while I tell my children everything, I will pray that they never have to experience anything like this. Yet in my heart I think I know this isn’t true. For every generation seems to have their day in their history that shakes their world, so I will just hope that they can take it all in and remember it all like I have. We can build a memorial and a museum, make documentaries and docu-drama movies to be passed down through the generations, but it is up to the individual to hold those memories in their heart. To never forget but always remember without the aid of a memorial.

The true memorial should always reside in your heart.

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NYC

Make New Friends But Keep the Old?

make new friends

If you were a little girl scout growing up you know the song. It sings of silver and gold, circles that never end, and friends forever. It’s a wonderful creed to live by, and one I seemed to do well at. . . until I moved to New York.

It’s not that I haven’t tried. And I have made a couple new friends, but they are the people I work with. With how much we are around each other I would hope we would become friends, if not, I don’t think the job would work out! My husband and I have also been fortunate enough to know a couple people from the past that happen to live in the city. Some have been people we had kept in touch with before, some were rekindling of old relationships, but either way, the friendship is there. But new friends, the kind that you just happen to meet at the gym or in a coffee shop, were something I was really looking forward to.

The first sign that making new friends was not going to be as easy as it had been in Utah came the first time I went to the gym. I joined a gym down the street from our place largely in the hopes that I would meet like minded people there who would be interested in getting together outside of the gym. I picked a some classes, and for the first couple weeks I went at least 10min early. I would go into the room and just sit myself among the women who were chatting away. The first class nobody seemed to even take notice at first, even after a, ‘good morning’. Not being a shy one, I eventually found a spot where I could interject an introduction. I mentioned that I had just moved here (the response of which I am used to hearing/giving in Utah is, ‘oh where from?’/how do you like it here/etc). I got – nothing. First day of class, I’m the weird new person, it’s ok, it will get better. That class didn’t.

Yoga was a bit harder to just open my mouth as you come early to class to do a little meditation. Still, I figured that with enough time I could start a conversation with someone after class, or that someone might notice I’m new and ask me where I was from or if I was new. What I got, rather, was people being in such a hurry to leave that there was clearly no time for conversation.

My husband and I discussed this and laughed a bit. We joked that it was a good thing we were just in our first year of marriage and still liked hanging out together all the time. But as time has worn on and we approach our six month mark, we have openly wondered what it is that makes making friends so hard. Perhaps it is just that we are odd. We love hosting parties and making people dinner (which is apparently not normal here) and we love having new people over and making people feel comfortable and welcome into our life. New York is not like that.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying New York people are mean. Quite on the contrary. Everyone I have met has been nice, cordial, friendly – but there’s a line. People will smile back, say hello (when prompted), but you can tell there is nothing else there. They have their life and there is no need to add other things to it. It’s something that I just do not connect with.

While I may not be meeting any New Yorkers to add to my friend circle, I am still blessed to have all those that I do. The closest ones may not be in New York with me, but that just means I can work on rekindling and strengthening relationships with former friends (or new ones via my husband). And perhaps one day I’ll get a New Yorker into my circles of silver and gold.

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